There are nearly 300 Million Americans who feel it's pretty lame to join causes.
Are you tired of receiving requests to join causes for this and that? Golly, I know I am. Friend, it seems as if every week we have a new pet cause that takes this great nation by storm much like swine flu. After you've joined-up and got that temporary warm feeling, it seems that what you were armchair generaling about is so passe.
Early-on I've adopted the simple mantra that most causes are trivial and probably scams. It's a fact that 47.6% of all causes are established by con men and scam artists.
Let's pretend I'm one of those 47%: "I'm sitting here creating this cause smoking cigarettes, drinking scotch, and munching on some of that delicious shark-fin soup. I'm an arrogant bastard who would laugh at you for taking one of my fake causes seriously and I will spend any money you raise for "saving the polar bears" on ammo so I can go hunt and kill stuff. You're a sucker."
My goodness! That sounds awful! "How can I trust any of these causes," you say, "will it tarnish the good name of my Facebook profile?" Yes. Yes they will. You'll look like a total douche.
But friends, with this here cause against causes, we invite you sign up. Let everyone know that they can take their cause celeb and shove it. You can feel safe joining The National Cause for People Opposed to Joining Causes.
You can trust us. We're not like the others.
1. To take a stand against ALL causes.
2. To give the middle finger to anyone who asks us to join their lame-ass cause.
3. To pronounce to the world no one takes any interest in this week's newest pet cause. Silence is the loudest sound.
4. To be the boot stomping on the face of your cause over and over and over, without end.
5. To ban the word "cause".